Loneliness

August 31, 2010 by Eric Shaw Quinn

We get hungry so that we remember to eat. The species would not have survived if we didn’t. We would have starved and never known what hit us. Pain causes us to seek a remedy.
The same is true of loneliness. Living our lives in concert with others is challenging. Given the violent and conflict spattered pages of our history, people seem ill-suited to live together in society. But for loneliness, we’d all be on our own. As it is, human relations are fearful, guarded and distrustful at every level.
We all agree that love is the best thing that ever happens to us, yet it characterizes almost none of human affairs. Imagine banking or even something obvious like medical care predicated on love.
We are together because we starve for one another’s company.
Being human, I have spent a lot of my life starving for companionship. For whatever reason, I have always been single. Add to that the fact that I’m apparently more than a little odd and possessed of a near complete lack of concern for approval. For this or whatever reason, my connections to others have been what might best be characterized as tenuous.
It’s been a painful condition, at times. I’m still human so I get lonely. I have the same longings for pair bonding as the next fellow. But at the same time I seem to lack either the physical or character traits to attract people into my life in a more meaningful way. I’m not even sure what those traits might be, but I cannot deny my results.
That great irony of this is that I have a host of friends and acquaintances, and a rich, full and joyous life. I’m very social. I have a good time at most parties and social events. I can’t imagine what anti-depressants would be for. I get on easily with almost everyone. Auto mechanics, to medical professionals, to folks at the dry cleaners light up when I arrive. When I had my wisdom teeth out a couple of years back, the folks at my local grocery store grilled my friends for details of my recovery. When I returned to shop, staff members actually left their cash registers and checkout lines to meet me at the door, welcome me back and inquire after my health.
So, I live in a world where I’m beloved literally wherever I go and where my phone doesn’t ring on the weekends. People seem to adore me. Yet, I have only been asked on a date four or five times in my whole life. I’ve done a lot of my own asking and the most common response is flight. Apparently my sexual interest must be something fearsome.
It’s a puzzle.
I spent years staring in the mirror trying to discover the fatal flaw that separated me from the rest of the world. I’ve tried to contort myself into some shape or form that seems to be what people are looking for. I’m clueless.
And then I made an amazing discovery.
A couple of years ago, on book tour, I met a man. He had not come to meet my famous writing partner, as most everyone else had. He had come to the signing to meet me. I was a little startled. My writing partner actually got his number for me. I called. He was visiting from out of town. I asked him out anyway. He agreed. It was a nice enough first date. Not the most amazing thing, but I had a good time.
He left the next day but stayed in touch. We spoke on the phone frequently. He seemed interested and persistent. Oddly, he never called me from home. Every call he made was placed while he was in transit somewhere else. He went on a business trip to New York and called while walking back to his hotel. He never answered the phone when I called. He only ever called back or on his own. He went missing without explanation.
“He’s married,” my writing partner pronounced when I told her about how it was going.
So, I asked him. He assured me he was single and that he would try to do a better job.
I took him at his word. Things improved. I was going to my parent’s home for Christmas that year and suggested making plans around seeing him for New Years. He was near enough to mom and dad for me to schedule flights the connected through Atlanta, where he lived. We talked about planning it. He agreed. Then he disappeared. I called to get his take on various plans and timing. No answer.
I was going to my parents anyway. I gave him their phone number so we could plan New Years. He was in retail. I knew Christmas would be tough for him. I tried to be understanding. I figured we’d talk after. I went to Mom and Dad’s. I had a great holiday with them. The guy never called.
My first instinct was to go to Atlanta and try to make things work. He seemed great. He said he was single. It wasn’t like I had any other offers. You can’t win if you don’t play, right?
And then it hit me. I want to spend New Years with someone who wants to spend New Years with me. What’s more, if no one does want to be with me at midnight on the 31st, then I’m just fine on my own. It was possibly the most freeing thing that’s ever occurred to me. I understood Gloria Steinem’s “fish without a bicycle” concept in whole new way.
I love my life. It would be great to find someone to share it with. But it’s going to have to be someone who actually makes a great addition to the life I already have.
I don’t have to examine me in the mirror, beyond regular care and maintenance. I’m just fine, thank you. I hope to meet someone who thinks I’m the cutest things since pigtails and the hottest since Tabasco. No more trying to shape me into what appears to be the object of others’ desires.
I want to be amazed, or I don’t want to play.
Hell, I’ve waiting this long. Right?
Meanwhile, I’m not starving. In my own weird way, I am surrounded by people who love me. I have great friends and a family I’ve learned to love people for being exactly as they are. I’m not lonely. And if who I am never qualifies me as husband material, then I get to have the wonderful life I’m already having. That’s not a sacrifice.
Best of all is knowing that I’m not single because there something wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with me because I am.

Posted in Personal | Tagged meeting someone, relationships | 7 Comments

7 Responses

on August 31, 2010 at 5:58 pm | Reply Devin Ford

My sweetheart! You are for sure a Jaguar!
Love
d
on August 31, 2010 at 6:48 pm | Reply Oscar Plascencia

Wow! Great piece Eric. Great big piece of yourself. Be sure to drink some Orange juice after giving up so much blood.
on August 31, 2010 at 6:52 pm | Reply Mike Hoffman

Eric– there seem to be some contradictions here, but I guess it’s okay to contain multitudes. The trouble is that desperation can’t be hidden, people can sense it.

I think the greatest fallacy people have going into relationships is that that won’t have to–or shouldn’t have to–change. Mainly, they want someone who’ll magically accept them absolutely as they are, flaws and all. But why the heck should anyone do that?

Why not seek relationships that force you to change and grow? Looking for someone to fit a preconceived idea, like the cliche singles ad, is not looking for a person–it’s looking for ego-validation that one is 100% acceptable “as is”.

Why should anyone have a relationship, maybe long-term, and then it ends–and the person says “I never changed at all for all those years”? That’s often why they end, kids.

My opinion–and I won’t even claim it as fact–is that Life is all about change and trying new things, people included.
on August 31, 2010 at 8:29 pm | Reply Christopher Rice

Well, Mike, it’s not easy to make changes for someone who won’t even show up for the first date, which is what Eric describes at length in his post.

You have to have a base-line of attraction to a person before you can go about asking them to make massive changes to their personality. In fact, if you have to ask someone to make massive changes to their personality within a few weeks of knowing them, you’re barking up the wrong tree and you’re best course of action is to respectfully bow out of the next date on the grounds that two of you simply aren’t compatible. Imagine showing up on a first date and asking the person across the table to re-style their hair, stop using a turn of phrase they’re fond of and develop a sudden interest in video games, all after only fifteen minutes of conversation. How outrageously self serving and insulting that would be.

The major changes partners make in a relationship typically follow a “honeymoon period” in which both participants revel in their chemistry, in their powerful attraction to one another. Eric is entitled to have this experience, just like everyone else.

What you seem to be describing is the intractability demonstrated by some people after they wade in with someone and then refuse to adjust their lives to accommodate the presence of a partner. That’s a very real issue, but I don’t think it’s what Eric is describing here.
on August 31, 2010 at 10:29 pm | Reply Ken Gavey

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink… I think there are people who just don’t meet that person who wants to spend the rest of their life together with them. I have never in my life been someone who has been a serial dater, and have not had the pleasure of being asked out every Friday night. I believe that there is nothing wrong with that. I believe that I may be lacking something that others have, but I have yet to put my finger on it. I always thought that there was something wrong with me…not handsome enough, not fit enough, smart enough, and the list goes on, but I have come to realize that sometimes people just don’t meet that person that turns their life upside down and makes them want to be a better person. I totally disagree that you should have to change who you are just to find a mate. I think there are some things that fundamentally, you just can’t change and others that seriously resist it, and if a person can’t be accepting of another person’s differences or quirks, or even a few bad habits, then maybe you shouldn’t be with them. A relationship has to be a partnership, 50/50, and you each should grow and become better people from the experience, and that comes from years of compromise and honesty and open mindedness, not feeling like you have to change to fit into someone else’s lifestyle.
on September 1, 2010 at 8:59 pm | Reply Martha Traina Michalowski

Wow, your blog was powerful and several of the comments.
Coming from a woman’s point of view, you are very attractive and what is coming out of your head as words is very attractive to me, a women. Perhaps there is a very bad mix up here. Woman are attracted to you more than men? just a thought. But you do seem to keep my attention in a nice way. No, I have not seen you in years but, Eric, I do remember the last time I saw you and it was Feb. 26, 1983…
your zest for life was transparent then, maybe different than the popular crowd…ha, you remember svh’s cliques.. but, to be honest, i was also. I didn’t fit in i pushed to get where i did.. to this day, some memories make me shiver..
now, for being lonely, i was so lonely back then. i realized later on in life is all i ever wanted was a family full of love. a huge family full of love and no ridiculing.. well, i have two kids and a hubby of six years but not the big family i desired. yes, that loneliness still existed. one brother and no parents lots of cousins and a few aunts and uncles but they have their lives two full hours away.. boo who…lol..
anyhow, you are special.. God intended for mankind to be hugged and nurtured.. he does not care about the sex of the people loving and nurturing. when we are hungry we eat.. when we need a hug we touch.. that is what it is all about. EVERYONE NEEDS HUMAN CONTACT. oh well, enough..and yes, i have love … my kids respect the fact that i care and i am the parent that has done the right think and they show it. (their dad is a poophead)… their step dad loves them dearly.. and shows it in his actions.. take the love that surrounds you and embrace it.. it should help some.. i know, real touch is better.. 🙂 HUGGGGSSSS to you..(no editing..just writing fast.. sorry)
on September 5, 2010 at 7:27 pm | Reply Jack Pryor

I am rarely lonely, but often alone. I know lots of people who seem to like me, but not enough to include me in. When the void of companionship hits me hard, I call one of those people or (lord help us) go on facebook. That’s enough for an old guy who really likes you to visit, but please go home before my favorite television shows come on.
It didn’t use to be like that. Before I became invisible…..