I’ve always been single.
Always.
And I’m not single because I’ve turned down a lot of offers, or any. There have been none. I’ve dated a couple of people for a couple of weeks, but that’s it. My offers have been turned down and there have been no offers forthcoming. So, I’m really, really single.
Needless to say, Valentine’s Day has been a bit sticky for me over the years.
I spent years subscribing to the Rom-Com driven desperation around the holiday. It seemed there were only two choices on offer. There was either the fantasy that the perfect one will reveal themselves in a chocolate/roses/jewelry/twinkly-lights driven grand gesture on Valentine’s Day and happily-ever-after will commence on the 15th. Or there was the culmination of the Harry-met-Sallyesque “friendship” where “The ONE” finally sees that you’ve been there all along and steps up in an above referenced grand gestures leading to the afore mentioned 15th and etc.
When those are the only two options and neither of those things ever happens, Valentine’s Day can take on an unflattering patina. For years I regarded the day with trepidation, disdain and secret hope.
Valentines: The Day to remember you’ve been forgotten, again.
Pretty ugly. And yet, it’s unavoidable. One year I tried to embrace the holiday. I saved the envelopes of everyone who sent me a Christmas card. I went to the card store and bought an equal number of fun and lovely Valentine’s Day cards and sent them to all those on my Christmas card list. I figured, “How great to take a day to express the love I do feel for the people in my life.” I had not taken into account that I’m not the only person with Valentine’s issues.
The reactions to my cards were all over the map. Those who were in relationships totally took them the wrong way, occasioning a number of awkward, earnest and totally uncomfortable “I don’t feel that way” conversations. The single recipients either got the wrong idea and went out of their way to make their lack of interest clear or never spoke to me again.
I gave up on the cards and returned to the trepidation/disdain/secret longing thing – messy but private.
Then, one January it occurred to me. It was Chinese New Year and I hadn’t been invited to a single party. I didn’t care. I’m not Chinese and I’m not that crazy about plain old new year’s day. I certainly wasn’t concerned about not being included in this second one. I also hadn’t gotten any Hanukah presents again that year and, not being Jewish, I wasn’t bothered. I had not been invited to break the fast at a single Ramadan Iftar feast or shoot craps on Diwali or share the-surf-and-turf-for-two-Valentine’s-special with anyone.
I was free.
Valentine’s is a holiday for people in relationships. I’m not, so it means no more to me than any on a calendar stuffed with holidays of which I am blissfully unaware. I don’t have to deal with Valentine’s expectations or performance anxiety or any of the other aspects of a day that focuses so much attention on one area of one’s personal life. It’s just, in my case, Monday.
Perhaps one day I will not be single (stop laughing, it could happen). Until then, Valentine’s Day is something I don’t have to worry about any more than I have to learn Bar Mitzvah prayers. I’m free today to go about my regular Monday activities.
So, I wish good luck to those friends in relationships out there and, in the spirit of Monday, I wish the rest of us a very Happy Unvalentine’s Day
Eric Shaw Quinn 
Well said. I think you pretty much summed it up for all us singles out here. (But I’ve always had my birthday to celebrate, so the hearts and flowers have always had to play second fiddle anyway!)
Happy Birthday!
Huh. You pretty much summed up my whole experience with the day since my divorce. And my ‘singleness’. I was thinking, yesterday, that it would be fun to get together with all of my single friends and go out for drinks and dinner tonight, but then – why? So we can all be reminded how single we are? And, to be honest, I don’t have the most spontaneous of friends and they would probably think it was a dumb idea.
As for you being single – it sometimes boggles my mind how that happens to the most wonderful, good looking, fun, intelligent, kind people. I only met you for one evening, but it was enough to show me that you are a great person. I have a daughter who is 25, beautiful, fun, smart, secure, settled in her career, really funny – NEVER ONCE has she been asked out on a date. Not ONCE. My friends can’t fathom it so I know it’s not just motherly bias. We have concluded that it is because she doesn’t flirt. At. All. She would be mortified to try it. So single she remains.
Love and attraction is a mystery.
Dear Eric,
I was hoping you would use that line for which I’ve always remembered you, “Valentines: the day to remember you’ve been forgotten.” It still makes me laugh. I don’t recall you adding “again,” but then it’s been a while since we’ve shared a laugh, a rant or a Valentine’s Day.
Thinking of you and all that you bring to this world…
Love “like a friend,” Carley
I’ve always thought of Valentine’s Day as a time to celebrate unconditional love, even though most people don’t see it that way. I like to think St. Valentine would have been a great friend to have.
“I’m gunning down romance, it never meant a thing to me.”. ~Savage Garden
I’ve always thought of Valentine’s Day as a time to celebrate unconditional love, even though most people don’t see it that way. I like to think St. Valentine would have been a great friend to have.
“I’m gunning down romance, it never meant a thing to me.” ~Savage Garden
That’s how I felt until Jenny. It can happen to you!
Well, seeing how cute you are, I’m a little surprised you don’t have someone. But then again, I have noticed over the span of my life the happiest and most satisfied couples I have known are not too far above a whack or two with the ugly stick.
With that said, I find I have saved a lot of money on February 14th not being in a relationship. It really is a day of expectations, and the not meeting of those expectations for many every year. Even not being in a relationship, I expect a lot of jewelry if I were in one. That and flowers deliver to me, not brought in from the supermarket.
I can only imagine the angst of those actually in relationships. When i was in middle school this girl went steady with me for a week before Valentine’s and broke up the day after. I thought it was maybe my gift, but I was told later she only went with me to get a gift. My scars go back a few years, I guess. And then for a two years in a row, I dated someone that kept breaking up with me just before my birthday forcing me to spend two birthdays alone. I started feeling like the holiday “goodbye girl.”
Now i really don’t think about it much, unless I read an article like this one. It really is just another day, and I even find myself being happy for others. Or it just maybe that I have taught elementary school enough years that I really am just sick of the holiday and my lack of control on the chocolates for the day.
So, Eric, Happy Valentine’s Day. Just know that we are less than a month away from Cee’s Candies selling Irish Potatoes, a candy far more superior to anything they come out with for this day. Peace.
Great piece, as always. I still have fond memories of our Unvalentine’s Day dinner that year at a certain hotel restaurant we like to frequent with a mutual ( and also un-partnered) friend of ours who had to be restrained from making inappropriate comments audible to the couples around us. A lovely memory. Know that you are remembered by many on this day for your brilliance, charm, wit and integrity, and all of us are praying that, should it suit your fancy, you find a man willing to celebrate all three. On second that, let’s let HIM find YOU.
Happy Unvalentines’ Day back at you, Eric 🙂
For me, Valentine’s Day began and ended with the Glee episode. Completely honestly, I have no desire to enter into any kind of romantic relationship for quite a while. I’m happy in my independence. I’m a free woman.
I hope you’re just as happy and content with your life as I am. Consider the advantages! You have a driver’s license, no homework, and get to live by yourself. I mean, come on. I hope one of these days a swell guy will see the light and ask you out. 😉
Big hug,
Miss B
“Falling in love is so hard on the knees.” -Aerosmith
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” -Charles de Gaulle